You're completely useless in the revolution.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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