Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
