U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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