There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
