Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
