put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges