I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
