why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
