Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
