i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
