I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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