i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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