That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
