I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
