I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
