I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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