I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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