I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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