sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize