remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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