We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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