Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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