I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
