He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
