you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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