I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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