I murdered the dance floor call the cops
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
