I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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