Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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