The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
