I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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