Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
