WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
