I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You are the jesus of drinking
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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