I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i think i just lost a toe
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
