and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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