What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
