Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
