The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
