so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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