I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pants are for mortals
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Damn victory sex feels great
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
