i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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