May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
