I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
