just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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