I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize