my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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