3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
