The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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