you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
