My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
