Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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