Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
