1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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